[BREAKING NEWS] Writers Block Is Totally Real & Fucking With Writers Everywhere

Sweeping The Greatest Nation on Earth and less significant countries, Writers Block (WR) has affected at least 75% of writers writing today. It’s steady increase shall soon wipe out writers everywhere and thus eliminate an entire medium. “I don’t think people care anyway…they’re more interested in watching the same movie that’s been made ten thousand times,” remarked a faceless, super popular writer whom I only have access too because of my rich connections in Hollywood. “It’s like there’s a secret group of people controlling the world and what they want…and everyone’s conforming…or at least the status quo. The rest of us will die off with our work collecting dust, alone, and in debt.” Much has been the case for most writers but they’re mostly bad at it anyway.

Reporting from Hollywood, California 

[BREAKING NEWS] Dolphins Overthrow Congress

Credit: http://www.liveanimalslist.com

In enlightening circumstances, Congress gets overthrown by dolphins. Prez. Obama Drama neglected to comment. No one knows where he is actually. Already the dolphins have passed abortion, marriage equality, and fair trade laws. GOP not happy but the dolphins have sent most of them to Guantanamo Bay to be tortured by the newly freed detainees. Dolphins enjoy substantial increase in GDP in 20 years thanks to their new Free Money Policy.

Top 10 Ways To Increase Your Power

Today, we are going to talk about how to increase your power to maximum potential. Power comes to those who work for it or who are born with Divine Right. You know, people think they have control over other happenings when they really don’t. But with lots of power they can cheaply imitate what real power can do. But what is real power? To be elite? To be able to press the red button? Power is money. So if you’re broke as fuck you either need to:

  1. Steal
  2. Welfare scam (Wall Street scams also applicable)
  3. Strike it big as the voice of a gecko for national television commercials

All three routes will lead you on the road to pure power. Also don’t forget to have fun with your power and enjoy funding wars, being a beneficiary of the human slave trade, and killing hookers while getting away with it. Here are the Top 10 Ways To Increase Your Power!

1. Eat Large Amounts of Dork

Dork is exceptionally high in protein and is pricey but well worth it. Its melt in your mouth flavor will have you begging for more.  Good dork holds all the nutrients necessary for super intelligence. Beat all your enemies in math. Solve the equation for time travel. Who cares, you can do anything!

2. Become A Partial Robot

After you’ve eaten at least 20 pounds of dork, you’ve probably figured out how to build robots. Now is the perfect time to implement alien technology into your body and have a super penis! Feminists, get back at all your male comrades! A super penis will automatically make you cooler than anyone you will ever know. People won’t know what to do except get on their knees.

3. Learn The Ways Of The Samurai

Nothing is true power like blocking bullets with your sword. Samurais can do that and so can you with secret samurai schools in the mountains of Japan. This route will take a little longer but will lead you to true power abilities. Slay your enemies in style.

4. Get A Job At Monsanto

Check out the career page at Monsanto for colorful opportunities in agriculture. After Monsanto you will likely have a job at a government public safety agency such as FDA Deputy Commissioner, EPA Deputy Administrator, or Senior Advisor to the Commissioner of the US Food and Drug Administration for the Obama administration. Not only have they poisoned people and ecosystems, destroyed countries, and turned food into plastic but they did it with the help of our own government. Your power will increase sustainably with Monsanto!

5. Launch Next Major Social Media App/Site

The dork should help.

6. Sell Your Best Friends Soul To The Devil

Not only is this perfectly legal in demon contract law but it is pure evil! That way, you can still go to heaven while your #bestie serves eternal damnation in the inner rings of hell. The devil will appreciate your creativity and give you extra power.

7. Get A Cat

Sit back and relax as your cat plans world domination. This is the most effective way to obtain power.

8. Become A Sun

We are all beings of light. Therefore we all have the ability to turn into a sun. All it requires is intense concentration. The trick is to fake it ‘till you make it. Ultimate power.

9. Open Up An Organic Skincare Line

While the earth slowly decays on its own, you can do your part and open up an organic skincare line. Give craftsmanship integrity again! Once you make it big, you can give back, and save the planet. People will love you and your philanthropy so much it will inspire them to make a difference in their own lives. People will wake up and help you save the planet from total disaster. When it’s time for the rebellion you will be the chosen leader to reign earth to greatness!

10. Have  A Conversation With A Tree

Say hello to a tree and wait for it to respond. You’ll probably go insane but if you happen to get a response that’s a good sign. Trees will tell you the truth when your sister is lying to you about sleeping with your husband. Go trees!

The possibilities are seemingly endless. So when you think about power, what do you think it means to other people? What’s the point in tracking power with likes?

What is essentially at play here is the passing of time. Thats all there is. To pass the time with outlandish lives and broadcast them. The world lives and breathes for it’s meek time killers.

The peoples power is gone. We have lost the light of the stars above the cities. We captured them in the streetlights. So we may try to understand the darks power.